Originally posted August 2017
Everything changed on October 13, 2016, my life never the same. Darkness is my constant companion and threatens to choke out hope. Every day is a fight. I have been desperate for God before as I have walked through many dark days but nothing like the past ten months. Facing each day, getting dressed, doing errands, the simple things of life a victory. Laughter and joy seem a distant memory. Retreat to isolation draws me. Simple joys of life are chores. Tears a constant threat and grief holds its hands around my throat. There are no answers to my questions, no ease to the pain.
The man that I loved with all my heart, that I gave my life to for more than 17 years died. Lost, alone and hopeless. The thing that I have dedicated my life to fight took his life. Addiction took him from me and my children. It took him from his parents and his siblings. I cannot understand this. I cannot comprehend the finality of this. The pain of the finality of lost hopes and dreams, of unresolved broken relationships, of what can never be. The brokenness of all those left to pick up the pieces. Some days it is more than I can bear. Alone. In the dark. Unable to say what is in my heart and my mind. I don’t know how to put into words all that stirs within me and the darkness that encompasses me, so I retreat. I can’t be around anyone. I don’t know how. Sometimes I can’t. It takes every ounce of strength, and faith just to make it through the day.
This is the reality. The reality of a broken world. The reality of sin.
The reality of losing someone you love in such a senseless way. The finality of brokenness that can never be fixed. All there is, the one steady, my anchor, whatever peace there is, whatever joy can be found, whatever light that keeps the darkness at b
ay, all I have at the end of each day and at the beginning of each day is Jesus. The truths of who He is and what He has done for me are all that keep me going, and barely.
This is reality, but there is a greater reality that anchors me and keeps me from being completely lost in the dark:
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:21-23
My hope is only found in Jesus and in Him alone. I have nothing else. His faithfulness is great and His mercy never ends, it is there every day, every moment.
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Revelation 21:4-5a
One day, Jesus will return and make all this brokenness new. He will make it all right. He will bring justice and take away all our pain and suffering.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. Hebrews 12:1-3
Jesus for the joy set before Him endured the cross for me. He looked beyond the darkness and pain and saw my need for a Savior, a way for me be free, to be saved. He is my example of perseverance. In considering Him, what He has done, what He has promised, I have strength to endure.
I am holding on to these truths. I am weary and fainthearted. I fight hopelessness and darkness. Tears freely fall daily.
All I have is Jesus. In the darkness and pain and hopelessness, God is faithful. He is good.
Even when it is dark, and hope seems a distant friend. One day my tears will be wiped away forever and all that is broken in me and around me will be new. Honestly, I can’t comprehend that day, but God promises this in His Word so by faith I wait and I fight to endure and trust His goodness.
Founder & Director of Hope For Addiction